The Legend of Zelda: The Minish Cap
by The Tacochickenwings
Summary: Link must save Zelda from the evil, puppy molesting Vaati. But will the help of a schizophrenic hat named Ezlo make things more difficult? Currently on hiatus.
1. To Stone With You

_**I WILL BE GONE FOR 10 DAYS STARTING LATER TODAY! AND BY THE WAY, REVIEW! CHAPTER 2 WILL COME OUT SOON!**_

* * *

_**The Legend of Zelda: The Minish Cap**_

_**Chapter 1: To Stone With You**_

_Many, many years ago (Lots and lots of years, by the way), darkness descended upon the land. When all hope seemed lost, the hero of men arrived. The Picori people gave him some golden light thing and a really nice sword, and he kicked ass. Ah, yes...there was lots of ass kicking. Anyway, the hero drove out the darkness. The people enshrined his sword, known as the Picori Sword; with care. Though the Picori themselves have passed into legend, there is still a festival in their honor. The legend also says that they meet with the humans every 100 years or whatever._

_And so, our story begins..._

* * *

A young girl strode across a field, making her way to a small wooden house -- her destination. She entered and was greeted by the sound of metal against metal. 

"Master Smith, I'm here to take Link...MASTER SMITH!" she shouted at an old man doing blacksmith work.

The man looked at her and said, "OH! PRINCESS ZELDA! WHAT A SURPRISE! WHAT THE HELL DO YOU WANT?"

"I'M HERE TO TAKE LINK TO THE PICORI FESTIVAL. IS THAT OK?"

"WHAT?"

"I ASKED IF IT WAS OK TO BRING LINK TO THE PICORI FESTIVAL!"

"WHAT?" Master Smith yelled over the noise.

"I...ASKED...IF...IT...WAS...OK...TO...BRING...LINK...TO...THE...PICORI...FESTIVAL!" Princess Zelda shouted.

"WHAT?"

Rolling her eyes, Princess Zelda jerked the hammer out of Master Smith's hands.

"Hey, what did you do that for?" Master Smith asked.

"I did it so you could hear me!"

"Oh. Well, what do you want, Princess Zelda?"

"Is it ok if I bring Link to the Picori Festival?"

"Sure, I don't want that little shit here anyway. Let me wake him up; he's sleeping because he was up all night looking at porn. LINK! WAKE UP! NOW, DAMMIT!" Master Smith called.

Meanwhile, in other room of the house, a young boy with messy blonde hair slowly opened his eyes. Getting out of bed, he stumbled to the room where his grandfather, Master Smith, and Princess Zelda were.

"Boy, Princess Zelda is here," Master Smith said upon his arrival.

"Gee. I didn't know that," Link replied, rolling his eyes. "I mean, she was standing right here when I came in."

"Shut up, boy. While you're out, deliver this sword to Minister Potho or something like that. It's for the winner of the Picori Sword Tournament, and it's called the Smith's Sword. Now get out of here. SCRAM, YOU TWO!" Master Smith said, handing Link the sword before shoving the princess and his grandson out the door.

"Sorry, Zelda. He's an asshole," Link said, examing the blade he was given.

"Yeah, I know. Well, anyway...let's go, hee hee!" Zelda told Link, running up ahead.

* * *

After walking for a little while, the two friends finally reached Hyrule Castle Town where a grand festival was taking place. 

"OOH! OOH! LOOK AT THAT!" Zelda shrieked, running to a stand where they were selling condoms.

Link looked at the condoms and then at Zelda. He figured she probably didn't even know what condoms were.

You see, folks, Link knew how naive Zelda was, and that fact really bothered him. He was horny for her, and no matter how many times he tried to get her to have sex with him, she just never got the message...

"LOOK AT THAT!" Zelda said, running to a stand that was selling sex dolls. After examining what she thought were regular dolls for a little while, Zelda ran off to yet another stand. Link followed grudgingly.

This stand, however, was different. The man running it rang a bell when Zelda ran up to him.

"Princess Zelda, you have just won the raffle!" he said. "You get to pick one of three prizes."

The man held up the first prize.

"Here we have a pretty jewel and -- oh, screw it, take the teeny-tiny shield, the game says you're supposed to pick this one anyway," he grumbled, shoving a shield into Zelda's hands.

"Wow! Neato! Here, Link, you can have it to defend me with! Tee hee!" Zelda giggled, giving the gay looking shield to Link. "Come on, try it out!"

Link stared at it.

"But I don't want to try it out," he said.

"Oh, come on, for me?" Zelda pleaded.

"No."

"Please?"

"No."

Zelda made a puppy face.

"PLEEEAAASE?"

"OH, ALRIGHT, FINE!" Link snapped, raising the shield and quickly putting it down again. "THERE, HAPPY?"

"Yes. Ok, Link, we better head to the castle. We have to get ready for the winner of the sword tournament. It'll be cool, because the winner of the tournament gets the right to touch the sacred Picori Blade!"

"Oh, whoop-dee-do. The winner gets to poke the Picori Blade. How special."

"I know, it's wonderful!"

Link said nothing. He just began to walk to Hyrule Castle, Zelda at his side.

After a little while, the two were almost at the castle when a Business Scrub attacked! It fired a nut that hit Zelda.

"Ow! Link, save me! Use your teeny-tiny shield!" Zelda squeeled.

Not planning to use that dinky piece of wood again, Link just walked up to the scrub and stepped on it. It died.

"There you go, princess. It's dead," Link said dully, walking onward to the castle.

At last, the friends entered Hyrule Castle's garden.

"Link, I have to go get ready. I'll see you during the award ceremony!" Zelda said, heading into the castle.

Link felt relief wash over him when she left. If only they would have sex... That would make things SO much easier.

After searching around, Link found Minister Potho and handed him the sword.

"Ah, yes. The sword that is to be given to the winner of the sword tournament. Thank you, Link," Potho said.

"Shut up," Link replied.

* * *

A little while later, Zelda and the King of Hyrule walked into the garden, followed by guards carrying the chest containing the sacred Picori Blade. Link and Potho watched their arrival. 

After setting the chest down, one of the guards said, "Vaati, winner of the sword tournament, you may approach the Picori Blade!"

The tournament's victor approached. He was a dude wearing a dark blueish tunic with a matching cape and hat. His pants were poofy-ish and red, and he wore red sandals. Vaati had long, pale hair and bright red eyes. His skin was a shade of grayish blue.

I mean, DAMN, people, for one, anyone who looked at him could tell he was evil, and two, anyone might mistake him for a woman.

Link gasped. "THE WINNER OF THE SWORD TOURNAMENT IS A _GIRL_?"

"HEY! I am NOT a girl!" Vaati snapped.

"IT'S A _BOY_?" Link bellowed.

"Yes, I'm a boy!" Vaati replied.

"Sure you are..." Potho muttered.

Everyone else started whispering to eachother.

"SHUT UP! ALL OF YOU!" Vaati said.

Everyone grew silent.

"Aha! This chest must contain that which I seek! I will relieve you of it's contents now," he said.

"What the! You can only TOUCH the Picori Blade, you dumbfuck!" the King of Hyrule shouted.

The guards began to attack Vaati seeing as he was up to no good, but Vaati easily tossed them aside. Using dark magic, he opened the chest and broke the Picori Blade! Suddenly, a stream of monsters flew from the chest!

Light began to appear around Zelda. She stepped forward to Vaati.

"Why are you doing this, Vaati? Why!"

Vaati examined the light surrounding Princess Zelda.

"Hm...so it seems the Light Force still flows in the veins of the woman in the Hyrule royal family... This could create a problem for me later on. This will not do, so...to stone with you, Princess Zelda!"

Vaati lifted his hands to the sky and a black orb appeared; he fired it at Zelda. She screamed and turned into stone!

Link watched with wide eyes before turning to look at Vaati again.

"YOU STUPID GIRL! WHAT DID YOU DO THAT FOR!"

"FOOLISH BOY! I AM A _MALE_!" Vaati cast an energy ball at Link, knocking him unconcious. He then walked over to the chest and looked inside.

"That which I seek is not here! This cannot be! But no matter...I can wait..." he said, walking away...

Thanks to Vaati, monsters now ran wild across all of Hyrule. Princess Zelda had become a rock, and the Picori Blade was broken.

What did he even want?


	2. Ezlo

_**REVIEW! AND I APOLOGIZE FOR THE DELAY!**_

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_**Chapter 2: Ezlo**_

Link awoke with a groan. When he finally regained feeling in his body, he wished he hadn't: there was a throbbing pain in his head, and he felt stiff. His blurred vision cleared, and Link saw that he was in a bed inside Hyrule Castle.

"Oh! You're finally awake. Please go to the throne room when you're ready, the king wishes to see you..." a nurse said.

Not particularly feeling like going to the throne room, yet having nothing better to do, Link slid out of bed and reluctanly made his way to the king, all the while trying to rub the pain out of his head.

When he arrived, Link saw that guards were lined up on the side of the red carpet leading to the king and princess' throne. On the other side of the king's throne stood Link's grandfather. The King of Hyrule noticed Link.

"Oh, Link, my boy! Come here, come here," he said.

Link strode to the king.

"What?" he snapped.

"We were just discussing how Vaati broke the Picori Blade. Now, you see, the Picori made the blade, and in order to reforge it, we need to seek their help. Once the blade is reforged, we can break the curse that has turned my dear, sweet Zelda to stone..."

"She's not THAT great..." Link muttered, rolling his eyes.

"Shut up," the king continued. "Anyway, there is a catch: the Picori can only be seen by children. We need the Picori to be seen if they are to help us."

Hyrule's king turned to Master Smith and asked, "Now how old is Link here?"

Master Smith counted on his fingers and added up numbers for 2 whole minutes.

At last, he answered, "Link is 5, sir."

"I'M 12, YOU DUMBFUCK! 12!" Link shouted, stepping on his grandfather's foot.

Master Smith yelled and grabbed his injured foot. When he had recovered, he lunged at Link. A nasty fight began.

The king, under the illusion that everyone was listening to him, said, "12. You're still a child, you'll do. Link, I want you to take the broken Picori Blade to get it reforged, and because Vaati released all those monsters, I'll let you take the Smith's Sword so you can defend yourself. Also, I'll give you this map. Ok? Ok." The king pulled Link away from his grandfather, thrust the items into his arms, and shoved him out the door.

* * *

Link sighed as he walked through the marshy lands of the Minish Woods. He looked down at the map the King of Hyrule had so kindly drawn for him in crayon. It was utterly useless. Crumpling it up into a ball and tossing it over his shoulder, he muttered, "Piece of shit..."

Being far more intellectual than the king, Link figured that if he was going to look for Minish, what better place to do it than the Minish Woods?

A cry sounded through the woods.

"HELP! OUCH! SOMEONE! OW! HELP ME! PLEASE! OW! I BEG OF YOU! OUCH!"

Link followed the voice and came to a clearing.

Before him sat a green hat with a bird-like head. It had been the one crying for help, for 2 Octoroks stood on either side of it, spitting nuts at the cap.

Link stood there and watched the hat get hurt.

Sighting him, it cried, "BOY! HELP ME! OUCH! DON'T JUST STAND THERE! OOOWWW!"

Link thought over his options. He could kill the Octoroks, or he could let the bird hat suffer. He decided to go with the latter, until...

The hat's eyes glowed red and it looked at Link. In a demonic voice, it bellowed, "HELP ME NOW OR FACE MY SATANIC WRATH!"

Link's eyes widened and he quickly killed the Octoroks. The hat returned to normal.

"At last! You are a lazy child, do you know that?" it said, examining Link. "And you need to exercise more, your butt's kind of big, lazy! And that hair style is simply dreadful. And those clothes, yeck! What is WRONG with kids these days?"

Link stared at the hat, not amused.

"Hmm, I see you're overly-critical. How annoying," he said coolly.

"KIDS THESE DAYS HAVE NO RESPECT! NO RESPECT AT ALL!"

Link turned and started to walk away. The hat slowly hopped after him.

"Hey! Boy! Stop walking so fast! And don't drag your feet like that, you'll wear out your shoes! Wait for me!"

Link stopped and looked at the thing again.

"Ok, for one, my name is not 'boy', it's Link. Second of all, stop following me. It's weird enough that I just met a hat that resembles a bird, but it's even weirder now that it's stalking me." He turned around and started walking away once more.

The hat hopped along and screamed, "STOP, I SAY! AND WALK WITH YOUR BACK STRAIGHT!"

Link kept walking.

The thing got demonic again.

"STOP NOW, YOUNG CHILD!" it growled loudly.

Link shuddered and froze.

The hat approached, and when it was close enough, it flew up into the air and attatched itself to Link's head. Wriggling around, it made itself comfortable.

"Ah...it's rather comfy up here."

Link stood stiffly. Gritting his teeth, he said, "Ok, who are you, and WHY did you just attach yourself to my head?"

"My name is Ezlo. I shall accompany you in...whatever it is you're doing, Link. What ARE you doing, anyway?"

Link sighed.

"I'm trying to find the Picori people so they can reforge the Picori Blade and thus, break the curse placed on Princess Zelda by the evil wind sorcerer Vaati," he said quickly and in one breath.

Ezlo blinked.

"Vaati, you say?"

"Duh," Link snorted.

"Hmm...all the more reason to go with you, I suppose. You see, I need revenge on Vaati too," Ezlo said.

Link didn't even want to know why, so he kept walking, scanning the ground for Picori, hoping that Ezlo would just fall off.

"You know, you won't be able to find them so easily unless you become their size. And tuck your shirt in!" Ezlo snapped.

Link rolled his eyes.

"Oh, SURE, Ezlo, I think I shall shrink to Picori-size and have tea and crumpets with them!" he said sarcastically.

"I don't like your tone! AND YET AGAIN, STOP DRAGGING YOUR FEET!"

Link ignored the comment.

"Anyway," Ezlo continued, "There IS a way you can shrink to Minish size--"

"Minish? Don't you mean Picori?"

"Shut up! The so-called "Picori" refer to themselves as the Minish! SO LIKE I WAS SAYING...you can shrink to Minish size. With my help, of course..."

"'With your help'?" Link repeated.

"Yes...let me show you how it's done..." Ezlo said. "AND FOR THE LAST TIME, STAND UP STRAIGHT!"


	3. The Minish

_**It's short, it's short, I know, but I was in a hurry... So please review. Please?**_

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_**Chapter 3: The Minish**_

Link and Ezlo reached a tree stump Link had passed earlier.

"Ah, here were are, and--TUCK IN YOUR SHIRT!" Ezlo snapped.

"How the hell can I? I'm wearing a TUNIC..." Link replied, rolling his eyes. "Now get on with what you were saying about this shrinking crap."

"Right-o. Ok, just get on that stump, my boy, and I will take care of the rest," Ezlo said.

With a sigh, Link obeyed. Ezlo began hopping up and down on Link's head and singing.

Oh, fuck, what have I gotten myself into? Link thought. But before he knew it, he shrank to Minish size and fell through a hole in the stump.

"What the...I'm...I'm Picori-sized?" he gasped.

"That would be MINISH! MINISH! GET IT RIGHT!" Ezlo growled, pecking Link on the head.

Link winced but didn't fight back. He would wait for the apocolypse to kill Ezlo. The apocolypse would kill all...

"Ok, ok, I get it! Now is there anything at all I should know?" Link asked.

"Yes, actually. We must leave this stump. And when you want to grow again, just stand next to a shrinking spot and press 'R'."

"What's 'R'?"

"SHUT UP AND STAND UP STRAIGHT! Like I was saying...shrinking spots can be anything. They can be rocks, stumps, pots, yaddah yaddah... Ok, anyway, now that we are Minish-size, we can go to the Minish Village and ask them to reforge that Picori Blade."

Link and Ezlo left the stump and traveled through the woods. At last, they found and entered the village...

The moment after they stepped inside, cautious Minish began peeking out at them.

"Um..." Link uttered.

"Poco kapotho ricki potho," said one Minish.

"What the hell did it just say?" Link hissed.

"Ricipotho po," said another.

"They speak in a different language..." Ezlo noted.

"Gee, I didn't notice that!" replied Link, rolling his eyes.

"I wonder what they're saying...?" Ezlo muttered absentmindedly.

* * *

The Minish stared at the 2 foreigners.

"What should we do with them?" one Minish whispered to another.

"The same thing we always do, my friends..." said another. "Kill the foreigners!"

* * *

Link and Ezlo gasped as the Minish pulled out guns, knives, and spears...

"Oh, shit..." Link gasped.


	4. Go Forth to Deepwood!

_**Chapter 4: Go Forth to Deepwood!**_

"Ezlo, do something!" Link hissed.

"Umm, right!" Ezlo said. Looking at the Minish, he cried, "KILL THE BOY! SPARE MY LIFE! PLEASE! I'LL BE YOUR BEST FRIEND! AND PLUS, THE CHILD SCREAMS BETTER!"

"DIRTY FUCKIN' BASTARD!" Link screeched.

"YOU SEE?" Ezlo yelled.

A new voice said something in Minish. All the Minish people put down their weapons and turned to face the speaker.

He was an elderly Minish, and said he to Link and Ezlo, "Travelers, what brings you here? I sure hope you have a good reason. If not, we'll have to kill you."

After recovering from the shock and relief of seeing an English speaking Minish, Link and Ezlo hurriedly explained the mission.

The elderly Minish scratched his chin and appeared to be thinking.

Finally, he said, "Hmm...well, I guess that's a good enough reason... But hardly, mind you; you're lucky. By the way, my name is Festari. Anyway, to complete your quest, you'll probably need to be able to speak our native language. But in order to do that, you'll need this." Festari pulled out some type of nut that sort of looked like a Tamogotchi. It's beak-like mouth opened and closed.

"Here, boy, eat this." Festari tossed the nut at Link, who caught it.

"Umm, this thing's moving, I really don't want to eat it..." Link said.

"But you must!" insisted Ezlo.

"Why don't YOU eat it you sack of shit?" Link snapped at his hat.

"TUCK IN YOUR SHIRT!" Ezlo screeched.

"Just eat the damn nut!" Festari said frustratedly.

"No, it's disgusting!" Link complained.

"EAT IT, BOY!" Festari snarled.

"NO, IT'S MOVING! I ONLY EAT THINGS THAT ARE DEAD!"

Festari said something in Minish, and all the little creatures picked up their weapons once more. At this, Link stuffed the nut down his throat hurriedly.

"Is it working?" one Minish asked.

"Gee, ya THINK?" Link snapped at it.

The Minish cheered.

"Hot shit, dude! It works! NOW we can kill you!" they cried, pointing their weapons at Link and Ezlo.

"STOP IT! I'M ON A MISSION!" Link screamed, and explained his and Ezlo's quest to the Minish.

"Now," said Ezlo, "Can someone tell us what we have to do to get this here Picori Blade reforged?"

Festari replied, "Oh, you need to talk to the Minish Elder about that."

"The who?" Link asked.

"The Minish Elder. He lives in that house right over there. Just follow the yellow brick road," said Festari.

"Er...did you just tell me to follow the yellow brick road? Like in The Wizard of Oz?"

Festari's eyes glowed red, and in a demonic voice, he bellowed, "YES...NOW...GO FOLLOW THE YELLOW BRICK ROAD, YOU FUCK!"

Link jumped nearly 10 feet in the air, and, recovering quickly, he followed the yellow brick road and eventually came to the Minish Elder's house. Our hero (With Ezlo in tow) entered.

"Um...Minish Elder? Could you tell us how we can get the Picori Blade reforged?" Ezlo asked timidly.

The Minish Elder stepped out of one of the rooms, walking drunkly and waving a bottle of vodka around. Oh, and he was naked, too.

"Didja...hic...need me?" he slurred.

Link stared.

"Yes, sir, we need to know where we can get this Picori Blade reforged," Ezlo said a bit louder.

"Hic...what the fuck you talkin' 'bout, you shit? I don't know...hic...what the hell a Picori is, or a...hic...blade... An'...hic...I 'unno what this 'reforgin'' shit is either...hic... But...hic...'ay Shadow, think you might know what this purdy lil' lady is...hic...meanin' ta say?"

Shadow Link fell out of a nearby closet. He too was naked and drunk, only Shadow had Minish Elder sperm on his face, and we all know what that meant.

Link's eyes widened.

"What the hell are you doing here, Shadow? You're not supposed to be here! This isn't your story, dammit!"

Shadow sat up.

"Hic...it's not?" he said stupidly.

"No, it's not," Link replied.

"Oh...well, hic...you wanna know 'bout reforgin' the Picori blade, right...hic?" Shadow slurred.

"Well, yeah, but you're not the one who should be telling us!" Ezlo said.

"SHUT UP...HIC! I'm just as smart as 'at sexy Minish Elder guy, and hic...I know the...answer..."

Link sighed and said, "Ok, fine... Tell us what you know."

"I 'unno, you...hic...weren't that nice to me, an' I...hic...don't associate with boobs, you boob..."

"Look, just tell me before I rip your balls off!" Link said irritably.

"Ok...hic...I'll tell ya..." Shadow replied.

There was a moment of silence before Ezlo irritably snapped, "Well!"

"...I don't remember..." Shadow said.

Link clenched his fists and prepared to kill Shadow, but then stopped. He would just wait for the apocolypse to kill Shadow. The apocolypse would kill everyone, after all. Link smiled at the thought.

"Hic...Shadow, sweety, you...hic...don't remember that you should tell them to hic...find the 4 elements and...hic...take the broken blade to that Melari guy in the mountains so he can...hiccup...reforge it? And...hic...that the first element is...hic...really close by?" said the Minish Elder.

Shadow laughed stupidly.

"Oh...hic...yeah! 'At's right...!"

Link rolled his eyes.

"Ok, where exactly IS this first element?" asked Ezlo.

"I's this way...hic..." sputtered the Minish Elder, leading Link and Ezlo to the path.

"Just...hic...keep followin' the path 'till ya...hic...find Deepwood Shrine..." and with that, the Minish Elder passed out.

Link and Ezlo followed the directions and made their way down the path until they reached Deepwood Shrine. Following their best instinct, the dynamic duo entered.

"This is a temple, so it seems. We'll need to complete it in order to gain the element that rests here. AND STAND UP STRAIGHT! NO SLOUCHING!" said Ezlo.

"Well..." Link sighed, "Let's do this... But -- what's that?"

Footsteps were heard...


	5. Deepwood

_**Here it is, at last. Next chapter will be out...let's see...the day after tomorrow, I believe. Today's date is the 19th of September...2005.**_

* * *

_**Chapter 5: Deepwood**_

"Who's there?" Link demanded.

"I am..." said Tacochickenwings, stepping out of the darkness. Link and Ezlo gasped.

"What are YOU doing here? Gawd, why does everyone have to intrude on MY story?" Link growled.

"HEY! This is my story, too! AND STAND UP STRAIGHT, DAMMIT!" Ezlo said.

"I am here to add a plot twist," said Taco, taking out a lighter and setting Link's clothes on fire. Link screamed, hopped around, but it was too late. His clothes had burned away!

"Why does this always happen to everyone involved with you?" Link bellowed, utterly disgusted.

"HEY! Don't you DARE be dissin' my ways, man!" Taco stuck her nose up, crossed her arms, and added, "It's my trademark thang..." She walked away.

Ezlo peered down at Link's naked body.

"You know, Link, it's WRONG to be a nudist! Why, I once went to a nude beach, and nudists are always fat, ugly people! And anyone who becomes a nudist is likely to become FAT and UGLY! Do you want to be FAT and UGLY?"

Link ignored Ezlo. He found that it's true what they say: ignoring is the best remedy for pains in the ass.

Link looked around at the room. He stood facing a door, and with a shrug, went through it.

"Rawr, I am teh giant green Chuchu, man!" said the giant green Chuchu, standing before them.

"This is COMPLETELY fucked up! DAMMIT, CHUCHU, GO BACK TO THE BOSS ROOM! YOU DON'T COME IN YET!" snapped Ezlo.

"Me don't?" inquired the giant green Chuchu stupidly.

"NO!" Ezlo snarled. "AND STOP BLINKING SO MUCH, IT'S IMPROPER!"

"Oh..." said the giant green Chuchu sadly, inching away and out of sight.

The dungeon was full of many a peril, which I shall not describe, because it's just too much effort.

Link entered the boss room at last.

With a sigh, Ezlo said, "Ok, Giant Green Chuchu... You can come out now."

But the Giant Green Chuchu did not come.

"HEY! ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME, OR ARE YOU TOO BUSY BLINKING?" Ezlo demanded.

"Ezlo, stop shouting. You're making yourself look stupid," Link grumbled, annoyed with his companions loud and obnoxious ways. He was just getting harder and harder to ignore...

"WHY, BACK IN _MY _DAY, YOUNGINS --"

"SSHH! Ezlo...listen..."

Both Link and Ezlo listened. Rap music was coming from somewhere...but where? Link attempted to follow the source of the sound. It lead to a leafy patch on the floor, and upon stepping on it, Link and Ezlo fell down through it, screaming. A secret passageway!

They found themselves in a small, dingy room that was full of marijuana smoke. Rap was blaring loudly. Looking up, they saw the Giant Green Chuchu sitting at a card table, playing cards with a band of Moblins. The baddies looked at the arrivals.

"It time to fight?" questioned the Chuchu dumbly.

"Uhhh...YAH," Link snorted.

"I late?"

"Well, yes," said Ezlo.

"Aw, me so stupid. I DON'T DESERVE TO LIVE!" screamed the Giant Green Chuchu as it spontaneously combusted.

"Woah, dude!" Link said, wide-eyed, taken aback.

"That was...easy," Ezlo noted with a nod.

"Yeah, now to just take care of these," said Link, whipping out a machine gun and shooting the crap out of the Moblins. The Earth Element appeared before them.

"Hot piss!" Link grinned.

"We defeated the temple!" Ezlo exclaimed.

"Well, you didn't do anything, really. I was the ass kicker."

"Yeah, but you're still naked!"

"Shit."

Suddenly, a new tunic appeared before Link.

"Double hot piss," he said, pulling it on.

"Ok," Link asked, "What do we do now?"

"We must return to the Minish Village!"


	6. Climbing Mount Crenel

_**Chapter 6: Climbing Mount Crenel**_

"Woah...NO WAY! You REALLY defeated the Giant Green Chuchu?" gasped the Minish Elder for about the millionth time.

Link let out an exasperated sigh.

"He SPONTANEOUSLY COMBUSTED. I had NOTHING to do with it, ok? Wait...why am I being so modest? So then, er...yes. Yes, I did single-handedly defeat the Giant Green Chuchu. I guess that makes me like, really cool."

There was a moment of silence.

"I...I think I love you..." said the Minish Elder.

Link backed away a little.

"Ok, that was really unwanted. So look, can you just tell me what I need to do next to I can get on with my STRAIGHT life?"

"Um, yes, yes, of course! I fear that we, the people of the Minish Village, are unable to reforge this blade..."

"Well, you had better learn, because I didn't shrink to the size of a peanut just to fuck gerbils, you know!" Link said irritably.

"No, no, wait, I never said that it COULDN'T be done, it just can't be done here... You must journey to Mount Crenel. Climb it, and you should meet a great Minish by the name of Melari. He's a blacksmith, you know, he'll be ablea to fix that sword of yours up right good..."

"And Mount Crenel would be WHERE...?" Link asked expectantly. The Minish Elder wrote the directions down on a piece of paper.

"Well, good luck to you... I'LL NEVER FORGET YOU, LINK!" cried the elder dramatically, but Link and Ezlo had already left.

Passing through the village to its exit, Link could not help but feel wary at all the Minish staring at him and whispering murderous things to eachother. The hero prayed that he would not have to return here anytime soon.

It was then that Link noticed Ezlo had been unusually quiet.

"Hey, Ezlo!" he called.

No answer, but there was snoring.

"EZLO, YO!"

"WHAAAT!" Ezlo screeched.

"Nothing."

* * *

Still Minish-sized, Link continued on his way to Mount Crenel. Of course, he had not made much progress, seeing as he was still in the Picori Forest, but hey...it was better than nowhere.

Suddenly, a Minish dude jumped out at them.

"JUMPING IS NOT PROPER, NOW STRAIGHTEN UP!" Ezlo commanded.

"I just came to give you this Bomb Bag," said the Minish, shoving it into Link's hands.

"Um...why?" Link asked.

The Minish carressed Link's face gently.

"As a tribute...to US..." he said huskily before walking away.

"Jeez, Ezlo, do you know if all Minish are, well...gay?"

"Nevermind, my boy, nevermind! Now straighten your tunic, and let's carry on now!"

* * *

At last, they managed to find a shrinking/growing tree trunk or whatever. Standing upon it, Ezlo performed the counter-spell to smallness, and Link was once again his regular size. The trip to Mount Crenel now progressed far more quickly.

The pair finally found themselves at the base of the mountain, and thus, the climb began. But it was stopped suddenly, for Link and Ezlo ran into a most unexpected face (Look, people, no offense, I love the Harry Potter books, but I simply HAD to do this, hehe...)...

"HALT!" said Harry Potter, brandishing his wand and pointing it at Link.

"Woah, dude, you could poke someone's eye out with that!"

"If you want to finish climbing this mountain, then you're going to have to go through ME first!" snarled Harry.

Link sighed.

"Look, dude...don't make me whoop your ass," he said.

"YOU CANNOT PASS...UNLESS..."

"Unless what?"

"Unless you fuck me in the ass!"

"What? Dude, I am NOT fucking you in the ass!"

Harry Potter whipped off his clothes and lay on the ground in front of Link.

"Come on, you know you want some!" he said, rubbing his nipples.

"Dude, this is gonna piss off a lot of Harry Potter fans, you know."

Harry rolled over onto his stomach.

"Come on, fuck me in the ass!"

"Don't make me kill you!" Link threatened.

Harry Potter slapped his butt cheeks.

"Come on and get it, Linky-poooooo!"

Ezlo gaped, utterly disgusted.

"IT IS IMPOLITE TO PLAY WITH YOUR BUTT CHEEKS IN FRONT OF OTHERS!" he hollered.

"Fuck me!" Harry said.

"That's it. Screw you, bitch..." Link said, pulling out his machine gun and shooting Harry Potter.

"Link, was that really nessecary?" Ezlo asked.

Link put the gun away again.

"Well, what can I say? He was being a prick, so I shot him."

Link was about to start walking again when Ezlo said, "Wait, Link! Raid his pockets!"

"Right," Link replied with a nod as he searched Harry Potter's discarded pants. He found the climbing ring things that you get in the game.

"Hot piss!" he said. They continued their climb.

"You know, that is the third person not from this story to come and screw it up," Link noted.

"And Harry was also, what, like...the fifth fag in this?" Ezlo added.

"Yup, I think so."

At last, they reached another Minish Portal, and shrank. The duo proceeded to enter a nearby Minish door, which led to the home of Melari and his apprentices.

* * *

"Yes, I can indeed reforge this Picori Blade of yours..." said Melari thoughtfully.

"Good!" replied Link.

There was a moment of silence.

"Well...aren't you going to reforge it?" Link asked, a little impatient.

Another moment of silence followed.

"...Yes."

Link handed him the broken sword.

"This will take some time. During the period when I reforge this, I think it would be a wise idea for you to go and collect the Fire Element in the Cave of Flames. It's a little to the north of here, you can't miss it."

"Ok, so...this means another dungeon?" Link asked.

"I guess so..." answered Ezlo wearily.


	7. The Cave of Flames and Gleerok

_**THE MINISH CAP HIATUS IS OVER! YAAAAY! WELCOME BACK, MC!**_

**_Ok, this chapter is weird. But I think you might like it. It's a violent concept, yes, but hey -- it has scotty dogs in it!_**

**_REVIEW_**

* * *

**__**

_**Chapter 7 -- The Cave of Flames and Gleerok**_

Link and Ezlo entered the Cave of Flames.

"Wow. It's a cave. A hot cave, full of lava. Whoop," muttered Link rolling his eyes.

"YOU MUST SHOW RESPECT TO YOUR ELDERS!" preached Ezlo.

"What the fuck does THAT have to do with this?" Link snapped.

"Sorry," said Ezlo, "Sometimes my other personality takes over..."

Link didn't want to hear anymore on that subject, so he began walking. Quite quickly, rather.

"YO! HALT! YOU BE IN DA HOMIE TERRITORY NOW, BITCH!" said some ghetto Moblins who lept in their way.

"Are you guys posers or something?" Link asked, raising a brow.

"Yo, shortie, don't you be dissin' our ways! We are members of the famous gang called the Jo's! The hippest gang in all of the Cave of Flames, ruled by our hip puppy-dawg-dawg, slimmy-shortie Gleerok!" said one of the Moblins.

Link and Ezlo noticed that they were wearing purple bandanas.

"Ummm..ok...but what's a gang doing in the Cave of Flames? And what do you want with us?" Link asked.

"Listen, shortie... We ain't be the only bad-ass motha-fuckin' gang in this joint. We're competing with this gang of dick-wads... The Scott-Irish Mafia, yo."

"The Scott-Irish have a mafia?" Ezlo asked.

"They ain't people, man! They be leperchauns and scotty dogs!" said a Moblin.

"Leperchauns and scotty dogs? What the hell?" Link wondered aloud.

"It's true, homie! And if you join our gang and kill them all, we'll let you see the big man Gleerok!"

"Woah, sweet. I always wanted to join a gang," Link said, grinning and taking a purple bandana as it was handed to him.

"NO! BAD LINK! BAD, BAD, BAD! YOU DO _NOT_ JOIN GANGS!" Ezlo screamed. Link tied the bandana over his beak.

"Ok...where can I find these 'Scott-Irish'...?"

* * *

"Alright, me laddies and lassies! Now, we must prepare for any attacks by the Jo's! Ya hear!" trilled a leperchaun to an army of his fellows and scotty dogs.

"AYE!" they all shouted.

"We must expect the unexpected! We must --"

But then suddenly, Link rode in on a quad, wieling a large machine gun.

"WHOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" He began shooting the screaming Scott-irish. They were dead in minutes. Ezlo writhed, trying to escape the bandana, but it was useless without hands.

* * *

"Well done, newbie. You totally whooped their asses, dawg! You can go see the chief dawg now, dawg," said one of the Moblins, handing Link the Big Key.

"He be right down that hall and to the left, shortie!" said another.

"'Kay, thanks m' homies!" called Link over his shoulder as he headed for the boss room.

The bandana fell off of Ezlo.

"GANGS ARE BAD, LINK! THEY DON'T STAND UP STRAIGHT!" barked Ezlo.

"Well, at least there was a brief period of quiet..." Link grumbled. "I hate you, Ezlo."

"This isn't Ezlo..." said Ezlo darkly. Link remembered his 'multiple-personality-biz', and walked a little faster. At last, he entered the boss room.

* * *

The boss room was a dark room in the middle of which was a desk with a large office chair. The chair was turned away. There was someone sitting in it...

"Ummm...Gleerok?" called Link. "I'm here to kill you."

The chair spun to face Link and Ezlo abrubtly. Seated in it was a Pokemon-looking-turtle-like creature, holding a bowl of spaghetti.

"You come to see me?" Gleerok asked in an Italian accent.

"Well, duh. I've come to kill you, too. If you surrender quietly, I'll do you a favor and kill you faster..." snarled Link, drawing his sword.

Gleerok stood up on its turtle-ish feet.

"It is not me you want to kill, my child..." he rasped.

"I came here to get the Fire Element! If you hand it over, then maybe I'll spare your life!"

"I will not be threatened! I am a mafia leader!"

"Your followers are rappers, bitch!"

"I told them they were an Itallian Mafia, not a gang. But did they listen?" snapped Gleerok.

Ezlo opened his mouth to say something, but the Italian beast cut him off.

"NO! THEY DID NOT LISTEN!" Link and Ezlo recoiled.

"They became rappers anyway! Now listen...I am not your enemy," said Gleerok.

"Whatchoo talkin' 'bout, Willis?" Link asked.

"Vaati is the enemy. He shaves his legs and mollests puppy dogs. DO YOU WANT THAT TO CONTINUE TO HAPPEN?" Gleerok bellowed.

"H-he mollests...p-puppies?" Ezlo asked through tears. Link hung his head in shame.

"The dirty bastard..." he murmured.

"Listen...I am going to make you an offer you can't refuse..." purred Gleerok.

Link lifted his head.

"What is it you want, ummm...'my lord'?"

"Kill Vaati. I will pay you handsomely if you do so. And if you don't, I'll do THIS!" Gleerok picked up his fork (mysteriously without fingers or thumbs) and stabbed a meatball. Ezlo gasped.

"'AYE! WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING, COMPARING _ME _TO A _MEATBALL_!" Link snapped.

"Because you look like one," Ezlo stated.

"Wha...?"

Gleerok added, "The bird hat is right, my child. You are a little round..."

"And your hair is lumpy. Like a meatball," commented Ezlo.

"Well, screw you guys. Why...when the apocolypse comes, you'll all --"

"On to important matters!" huffed Gleerok. "Now, will you kill Vaati, or won't you?"

Link sighed.

"I will. I was going to do that anyway, just so you know..."

"A good boy, you are. Even if you are fat and lumpy-haired," complimented Gleerok.

"I'M NOT FAT, I'M FESTIVELY PLUMP, AND YOU WOULD BE TOO IF YOUR GRANDFATHER TARRED AND FEATHERED YOU ON THURSDAYS!" Link declared defensively.

"I suppose you're right. But here -- take this Fire Element. May it help you destroy Vaati. And no matter where you go, you will always be an honored member of my mafia, Link. Good luck on your journey," said Gleerok, handing Link the Fire Element.

"Hot piss!" Link cheered.

"Come on, you son of a bitch! Melari's probably done with the sword by now," said Ezlo.

"Whatever, Ezlo..."

Ezlo's eyes glazed over, and his expression darkened.

"Who is this Ezlo you keep talking about?"


End file.
